Dating After Divorce in 2020

I have not dated since 2002 and woo chile, the landscape of the dating scene for black women has changed drastically. What the hell is going on?

I don’t consider my failed marriage or subsequent divorce as a loss, but as a lesson. So often we are quick to point the finger at our spouse, but the naked truth, is that we too, have many flaws & shortcomings. I can only take responsibility for my actions and let me tell y’all….I WAS MEAN AS HELL!!!! The root cause, though I didn’t recognize it at the time, was my tumultuous childhood & my husband was the convenient punching bag for my frustrations. Everything I couldn’t voice as a child, I gave a voice to in my marriage. My voice was like a lump in my throat, that only spewed the awful thoughts and feelings that I harbored in my head and heart as a child and was always to afraid to say. So after I spent years dishonoring, belittling, & degrading my husband, I filed for a divorce. Now I didn’t say he was a picturesque spouse, but I’m only responsible for my mess.

See, by society’s standards, women are not taught to honor and uplift men. We are read fairy tales from a young age about how Prince Charming will come find us and we will live happily ever after. We are not taught to be a soft place for them to fall after the world has beaten them up. In church we are told to be a helpmate (what exactly does that look like?). In the world, we are told to feed ‘em and f**k ‘em. So I didn’t realize that even though I was, by society’s standards, an A+ wife (house cleaned, laundry done, kids fed, bills paid, dinner cooked, not a nag, and his testicles were drained)I was actually awful. Not only did I not protect him, but I actively participated in beating him down. I didn’t do it on purpose and it didn’t matter how many times he, my mom, or my friends told me that I was wrong because I ignorantly thought I was right.

So here I am, nearly 2 decades later, loaded with knowledge, mistakes, and scars, trying to navigate in a new dating world. Everything I thought I wanted in a man once upon a time has long shifted into what I need in a man. What I had to offer has changed too. Let me start by saying that being single has brought me a peace that I could have never imagined. I haven’t yelled, raised my voice, or cussed anyone out in 2 years! I haven’t been so stressed that I am up late at night, staining my pillows with salty tears or eating myself to nearly 300 pounds. I take myself on dates and try new things, with or without a man or friends. I am my best company.

One scary thing about dating in 2020, other than safety, is that singleness can cause that proverbial list to get longer and longer. Ladies, you know what list I’m talking about…he has to be saved, tall, rich, & have no kids. The unrealistic lists that we make and take on dates with us and if the suitor doesn’t check all of the boxes, we don’t set up a second date. Now I’m not saying to lay your standards by the waist side, but God may have the man you NEED packaged in a wrapping that may not be “your type.”

Another concerning thing about dating in 2020 is that because some men have been used to not having to be gentlemen, their chauvinism has become bold. They will talk about and/or offer sex or some type of sexual innuendo on or before the first date. I’ve met men that didn’t even know my last name offer me oral sex within minutes of talking to me. Fellas, that is not a turn on and it’s gross. Stop it!

There are some refreshing caveats to the dating scene. One of them is that I have found my voice! Remember the lump in my throat that I referred to earlier? Well I am now able to effectively communicate without cursing. I have found that the right partner will not only respect your standards, which for me are veganism and celibacy (I’m not getting any meat y’all ), but they will embrace it, encourage it, & embody it. I have found that I can completely be myself and I am comfortable if they walk away. You see, I will not make myself fit into a narrative that is not meant for me just to say I have a man. Do y’all realize that there are over 7 billion people on this globe? Surely there is someone out there for me. If God can put Adam to sleep and create him a partner from one of his ribs, surely He can “awaken” the man that He put on this earth for me.

Singles, don’t give up hope…your partner is out there. Just be careful navigating these dating streets and stay in your lane.